A break from all things Colombia- a letter to these idiots selling windows back home

Posted on September 25, 2013

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Listen here,

I live in Colombia (South AMERICA, not Carolina) and as such, am about as likely to buy a window from an outfit in New England as I am to flap my arms and fly there. However, I am New Hampshire born and raised so I listen compulsively to media from New England regarding our sports teams, and oftentimes I listen on the radio station WEEI.

Your Ad spots there run compulsively. I’d probably stop short of saying I hear them during every single commercial break but I’m not certain……anyway they’re fucking awful. Just terrible. I hear them all day, every day and they never cease to anger me. I’m not offended or anything, but it’s compelling to me that there is someone living out there who thought somehow it was a good idea to equate the awkwardness of presumably being abducted, then scanned by aliens to the closeted embarrassment of what a greatfuckingdeal your windows are.

First off, if you think anyone hears the words ‘alien scan’ without thinking ‘rectal probe’, you’re frigging kidding yourself. I have no idea what kind of touched mind comes up with one or the other (let alone link the two) but safe to say I never wish to encounter this person, let alone pass them in a crowded street with many, many police officers.

I’m only assuming they were created in-house by some aging owner resisting the draw of retirement with his fingernail marks still both in their business and coherent thoughts. I imagine you’ve had some traction with these shitshows (the others are fucking terrible too), but it’s only because it’s repeated so often that it sticks, but not in a good way. In fact, it’s so shitty that were someone to call me the exact moment one of your spots were playing to ask me if I knew of anyone, ANYONE who did windows at all, I would tell them:

‘Whatever you do, do not, do NOT call RiteWindows. They’re apparently cannot unfuck themselves long enough to put together a decent commercial. It’s a disservice to humanity to float a couple of sheckles their way. Just don’t do it.’

As I said, I’m sure there’s been some traction, but just get a decent jingle and play it like 54Giant or something, but seriously- knock it off.

Enough already,
Matt

Ps. Until you cut the shit and discontinue these Ads, especially the alien one, I’m forwarding this email to everyone I know. I think I have like 400 friends on Facebook (many in New England) so I’m kinda a big deal. I’m also copying Entercom (the owner of WEEI maybe??? I don’t fucking know, they’re the contact on WEEI’s website) so they can ignore it as well.

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