Music in Colombia- and the shit that has somehow migrated here from the USA

Posted on June 25, 2013

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To: Luke
Re: music down here

Hey buddy, I bet you’re glad summer vacation is finally here. I hope you have fun in the pool, tell Mimi to take some videos of the tricks you’re trying this year. You’re right- there is a lot of music called ‘Salsa’ here but no, it’s not the stuff you eat with chips. It is like the classes your mom goes to. There also music called cumbia, vallenato, and raggaeton.

To: Smitty
Re; If I hear fucking ‘More then Words’ by Extreme again, I’m gonna take a life

Stop whaling away on yourself for a minute and listen here. Yes, if you’re going to be here for awhile, it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to dance salsa a little. It’s not quite as imperative as you’ve read but it certainly can’t hurt- especially for someone as fucking ugly as you.

There’s a couple kinds of music down here. Salsa is probably the most famous and is prevalent in Cali, which is known worldwide for its salsa dancing. The actual dancing (whadda they call it? the steps?) isn’t too hard in and of itself, it’s more that the tempo constantly changes so if you’re not familiar with the song, you’re fucked. I like it……to listen to, especially the older stuff. There’s also Vallenato, which is native to the coast and is real accordion-heavy, so if you don’t like ’em, I’d skip it altogether but I dig it. Cumbia is probably the oldest and most authentically and exclusively Colombian. It’s not bad either. The there’s reggaeton, which I consider ear rape. You know I like rap and some think reggaeton is similar because of the emphasis on percussion, but it’s more like really, really shitty pop music to me. I think there’s one song in raggaeton that I like, but I can’t tell if I truly like it or if it’s ’cause the Hooter’s girls always dance to. Most everyone here likes salsa and then musical preferences become tweaked a bit with geography or age. Younger people tend to prefer reggaeton and that shitty house, new pop, or house music you and Philly like.

The truly strange thing is which and what caliber of songs somehow have traveled southbound two goddamned continents and come out the other side to not only survive but thrive here. I’ve heard ‘Hey Jude’ exactly one time in over two years here, but I can’t go more then three fucking days without some asshole radio station playing ‘More then Words’ by Extreme. Yeah…….for real. Remember that one? From eighth grade summer dances when we’d try like hell to roll a meaningless slow dance into a fingerblast? As best I can remember that song had a lifespan of about half a summer and then mercifully died. I’m not saying it’s a horrible but it really should’ve died a merciful death several years ago.

Same thing for that fuckawful ‘Don’t wanna miss a thing’ by Aerosmith from the end of Armageddon.. It all seems really arbitrary. There are those who embrace shitty 80’s music here too, but we have assholes like that back home. I can’t quite pin down a common theme between these other trainwreck songs. I heard ‘When I’m with you’ by Sheriff (fucking ouch……I’m cringing as I type this) the other day, so maybe they trend towards those big, sweeping ballads but I dunno.

Anyway, congrats on the new gig. Glad to hear you’re finally working from home so you can chill in sweatpants if you’re not out on a call. Clearly your new employer has nofuckingclue just how much you hump your fist or they’d never allow it. Catch up with you soon.

Ps- did you know that Bryan Adams covered one of his own dogshit songs in Spanish??? I mean its not like he’s Gloria fucking Estefan or anything…..to the best of my knowledge he doesn’t really speak Spanish or have Latin roots. I mean just how money- hungry do you have to be to record a shitty song in another language to whore it out to other parts of the world? It’s not like Latin America doesn’t already listen to songs in English. That’s the type of shit that’ll get the man upstairs bullshit and get you some fake Canadian AIDS. Must’ve done some charity work to avoid the Easy-E strain tho.

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Posted in: lifestyle, music