Menu- hockers- and the assholes who try to push menus on you in the middle of the street

Posted on June 20, 2013


To: Macie
Re: Restaurants in Colombia

Hi Kiddo, Yes a lot of the restaurants are the same here. There’s a lot of the same ones like you go to in the mall like TGIF’s or McDonald’s, etc.. The fast food restaurants, whether it’s McDonalds or not are actually a litle nicer inside. But they do have some small ones that only serve one thing each day, usually depending on what is cheap or fresh.

To: Hutz
Re: Cocksucking menu hockers

Hey man, I’m hanging in there, how about you? How’s the wife and kids?

I went to lunch today in a neighborhood I usually like. It’s right outside the mall which is cool because I can sit and work and nurse a beer outside and if my girlfriend gets bored she can run in the mall. We parked in the middle of the lane farthest to the right in the street because shit……why wouldn’t you park in the middle of a fucking street?

My girlfriend wanted a picada- which is basically a clusterfuck of meat. It usually comes with beef, chicken, pork, chorizo, criollas (small potatoes), and chincharon. Sometimes it’s decent, this time it wasn’t. We parked, and that’s when I remembered why I only like that spot and don’t love it.

It’s common here to have people who work for the restaurants to be in the street with menus and sometimes even samples of the food trying to get people to come in. I don’t know if these guys are on the payroll or they’re part owners or they get a percentage or flat fee for dragging people off the street into their spot instead of another. Nome would surprise me but damnit they’re aggressive.

Now for the most part I’m okay with cultural differences. After all, I’m in they’re country, they’re not in mine. But there has to be some absolutes, right? The first guy or two typically doesn’t bother me. I completely ignore them which I have no problem doing. They aren’t really treating me like a human being so why should I respond differently? However after awhile, it really wears on me. In addition to these assholes, there’s also huge fucking signs of the menus to compel you to enter. I’ve only ever been to one restaurant in the area so I wanted to check them all out before picking one. I started dodging all the menu dickheads which rapidly devolved into me nodding and telling them that I knew how to read so don’t bother me.

My girlfriend is oblivious to all this. Either she truly doesn’t mind, or more likely is just accustomed to it. When we turned the corner, I saw the perfect spot. It looked a little rustic but not at all dirty and had seats outside for me to people- watch. We hadn’t yet made the 45 degree turn to walk towards the door when this douche jumped out directly in the middle of the sidewalk in the path of my girlfriend. He told her to excuse him but he wanted to tell her about ‘his’ menu. The thing was, he really jumped right in her path. Like I said, these guys are aggressive, but this was even more assertive. I told him to fuck off, but of course in the heat of the moment, it was in english and he responded to my venom with a blank stare. My girlfriend was too nice and as I said, he was directly in her path, and she stopped to listen to him.

I looked at the next two places before doubling back to see this jerk off still bending her ear with his constant stream of bullshit about the different dishes. I met up with her as she was about to enter and told her some spanish version of ‘i’d rather fist myself then eat in this dink’s restaurant.’ That’s the thing about living abroad and trying to assimilate. Yes, people here do some things culturally different such as constantly arriving late. But I’m the foreigner so I can’t change that and really try not to let it get to me. However no matter where I visit it’s my wallet and I’ll be fucked if I’m going to open it in a spot that embraces this horseshit. My only regret is that I didn’t tell him to go fuck his mother in spanish because I just wanted to get the hell out of there. My spanish is good enough for that, but not yet at the point where I can tactfully tell the owner that we’re not eating there specifically because of this cocksucker…..if that doesn’t motivate me to study, nothing will.