Getting falsies- and not the ones I like

Posted on May 24, 2013


To: Luke
Re: School

Hey buddy, how did your test go? Your mom told me you were studying a lot. I’m proud of you for trying your hardest!!! Miss you and say Hi to Mom and Dad


To: Stubby
Re: Goddamnit

Fuckity fuck. Sometime in the last couple weeks I got slipped a bogus 5,000 peso bill. Calm down, that’s not even three bucks. So obviously it’s not the money that bothers me- it’s the principle that gets me all fucked off.

The most notorious culprits are usually taxi drivers. There known everywhere for doing it, especially at night. Stereotypes sure are a time-saver so I’m gonna assume it was one of those dildos. What irks me is that these dudes never get tips and I always ALWAYS give them 2k or so pesos just to be a stand up guy. So apparently after this cabbie cornholed me, I grabbed my ankles for another round and gave him a tip. It reminds me of the chick my buddy and I buy gum from when we go out. Remember Anna from history class? This chick kinda looks like a downsy version of her and she thinks she can charge an extra buck for gum ’cause we’re nice to her. Again, not the money, but thinking they can grift gringos bugs the shit out of me.

The other thing is that people here are real cunty with change. Seriously, God forbid you pay somebody with a bigger bill then necessary. Nobody has smaller bills or wants to give them up anyway. It’s so batshit- my eyes light up whenever I have the opportunity to change a 50,000 peso bill and I hoard the little ones like a kid with baseball cards. Once, I took a cab that cost all of 6 thousand pesos. I tried to pay with a 10 thousand peso note and the guy looked at me like i took a shit in my fist. Like he literally threw a fit. What kind of fuckface drives a cab all day and can’t make 40% change on a fucking three dollar fare?

It also burns me up that when I show the fake to a Colombian, they look at me like I’m the asshole because I didn’t catch on without someone telling me. Yeah…….. I guess the paper is a little different but how fucking sensitive are anyone’s hands? I used to mow lawns when I was a kid for chrissakes, I’m lucky I have prints left. The fuckers even went through the trouble of doctoring in a fake hologram of the president or secretary of whateverthefuck. Yes, the hologram is a bit of a pinhead but still, pretty elaborate operation these guys had.

And of course now I can’t use it. I’m not a big ‘pay it forward’ guy but pawning this thing off on some other clown seems a little too bad jujuish to me. I’m stuck with this now.

Posted in: money