The Transmilenio (Bogota’s subway)- Goddamn the Transmilenio in Bogota, Colombia

Posted on May 22, 2013

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To: Lily
Re: Transmilenio

Hi kiddo, Yes Sweetie, I got your text. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. To answer your question, yes there is a subway or ‘T’ here in Bogota……kinda. It’s called the Transmilenio and it’s actually a bunch of buses that run through the middle of Bogota It’s not like the train we took in Boston, it’s more like the bus you’ve been on but much more crowded.

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To: Smitty
Re: Transmilenio

Hey buddy, People here walk like……..fucking assholes. Yeah maybe as a whole Colombians are more friendly but they walk like they drive, a bunch of rudderless dickheads.

Colombians and probably most of Latin America runs notoriously and consistently late. You can rarely expect a Colombian to show up promptly, if at all. You’d probably expect to see the Latin American version of a bunch of Frenchmen crawling the streets incredibly slow with a cigarette in one hand and an empanada in the other. Not so. One would think people who are chronically late wouldn’t contain such a disorganized, chaotic shitshow on the sidewalks, bus stations, and streets. No, everything here in spanish is ‘ya’ or ‘right now/already’. Everything that is, except the actual time of arrival

Anyway, the double yellow lines that mark the middle, dividing line of a street for the rest of the driving world is merely a suggestion, not a regulation. People swerve and pass all over the double yellows. i’m not joking when I say they pay less attention to yellows here then a driver in the USA does to a white one back home. If no one is driving on the left side of the road, Colombians think nothing of stepping out to pass an assload of cars to try to get to a green light a moment quicker. I think I did this once in high school in my Subaru Justy and I nearly shit myself for fear of safety and police.

And this doesn’t stop in the streets- it bleeds into the sidewalk and the bus stations, which work much like subway stops. I’m okay with some amount of anarchy on sidewalks, because part of this is just a biproduct of making you’re way in a big city. I’m not sure NYC is entirely different. But in a bus station??? It’s batshit that you can be walking directly at someone and if they yield at all, it’s as likely to be to the right as to the left. For awhile I would generally just wait for the other shithead to commit and then I’d do the opposite. After all, it didn’t appear to do much good to yell in english, ‘WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO STICK YOUR FUCKING HEAD UP YOUR ASS!!!’ A downside of my spanish vocabulary improving is that now i’m more likely to confront someone. Fortunately, I don’t remember too many swear words from eighth grade Spanish class. When I have spoken up I tend to ask them in spanish if they also drive on the left side of the road as well. Usually I just get weird looks. First, I thought it was because my spanish pronunciation is dogshit……now I’m realizing it’s probably just because they are thinking to themselves, ‘well….yes. obviously.’

Who the hell walks, drives, cuts in line like an asshole, and generally busts their ass only to be late by fifteen minutes rather than twenty? The Trans doesn’t function exactly like a subway- some stop at every stop while others travel lengthy stretches between stops, thus making them far faster. During rush hour, people jump onto these fast buses like they’re giving out free drugs inside. Again, there’s no sense that Colombia’s cities would be far more orderly should everyone decide to walk along the right. They fight for these buses as if they were the last one of the night. Me? I choose to wake up five minutes early and take the slower bus. There I can get a seat instead of crow-barring myself into a faster one where I arrive at 12:38 instead of 12:45 but must suffer through stranger’s cock pressing against my leg for all but the seven minutes I saved. Better yet, if you live in the North and often head South like i used to, simply go North in the opposite direction to the last stop and get on the bus where it’s new and you can ride in modest comfort to the center of the city. Whatever time you may lose on a bus by bus basis, I’m quite sure you’ll make it up by not stressing yourself the fuck out and lopping years off your life.

There’s even a sort of epidemic forming now- it’s so difficult to leave a crowded Trans bus with all these Colombians swarming in (shocker, no such thing as elevator etiquette when an entering group of people will allow the people contained inside to leave before new ones enter) that guys actually leave a bus cock-first! Picture entering a doorway wherein your belt buckle arrives before your fat head or shoes and lead with your balls instead. The cock-firsts figure, rightly so that people will avoid odd penis like the plaque and allow for an easier disembark path. Filthy mothterfuckers…….can’t believe I didn’t think of that first. Anyway, they’re trying to crackdown on this practice now because it’s become so common. I don’t want to defend these dickheads, but way to address the root of the problem you jerk-offs! If everyone would walk to the right, they wouldn’t have this fucking problem.20130620-181606.jpg

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