Most but not all food in Colombia- and why Colombian food blows

Posted on May 22, 2013


To: Luke
Re: Food in Colombia

Thanks for writing me about your school project about food in a foreign country. Yes, I can help you out. What’s the same here? Well, I know you’d like the yogurt here, because it’s just like that Gogurt stuff that you and your sister like You can’t get Gogurt here buddy, but you don’t need to since all the yogurt is like that. One of the most popular foods here is arepas, which are kinda like Colombia’s version of tortillas from Mexico. That’s the stuff around the soft tacos and burritos you like from Taco Bell. Talk to you on Skype soon, love you buddy!

To: Mike
Re: Colombian food sucks my balls and even the yogurt will make you run to the shitter

Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you brother, the food here sucks. Don’t get me wrong- You can always find something good if you look hard enough or pay enough, just like most places…….but Colombian food? it’s Horseshit. I know you were looking forward to it and we’ll find decent options and it’s still not enough to scare you away from a visit but no, it’s not good.

It’s really a shame actually You can get filet mignon here for under five bucks a pound from a butcher via a cow that was probably rode the fuck right into the store- super fresh. There’s a ton of good stuff cheap, because labor is ridiculously inexpensive. Minimum wage is only around three hundo a month and the poor live on around one hundred so you can imagine what they pay the poor bastards who pick their potatoes. If you buy local and cook for yourself, even you can’t fuck it up.

Fruit is amazing too. Shit you never heard of and you can almost always get freshly squeezed juice anywhere, including on the street. The difference between buying it and making it yourself is interesting actually. It’s generally so sour that you need to add so much sugar that cocainen here is probably less of a buzz.

I don’t wanna say that anybody who likes Colombian food is full of shit, but I’d argue they’re definitely misguided. Generally these are the people who claim they love arepas which are like tortillas slow, overweight cousin with eyes that are a little too far apart to allow you to be comfortable. The best ones are puck-sized and made of corn or thicker and bigger with cheese in the middle and those two are average at best. If you pile enough shit on top of or next to an arepa you can rally it up to tolerable but even then it’s more about the accompaniments then it is the arepa itself. The worst ones are floury and mercifully tiny disks of shit, with just nothing to offer whatsoever. I think I offered a leftover one to a hobo once and he told me to fuck myself. Again, those who ‘like’ Colombian food sing the praises or arepas without hardly mentioning them- choosing instead to talk about the butter, jam, chorizo, and anything else you can put alongside them to bury the blandness. You’re kidding me? You like butter, jelly, and pork products??? Fucking shocker.

Other then that, it’s not like Mexican food like you were thinking. Kinda a much, much worse version of it. You can get decent warm water fish close to the coast, but some of their ‘ceviche’ is cooked shrimp tossed with mayo and catsup…….fucking super. Cheese? Sucks. Beans and rice? Shitty- Under seasoned and not at all spicy, not even a little. Pork? Fucking dryyyyyyyy. Dry anyway to begin with but they don’t brine it and then they cook it until there’s not a trace of juice or pink left. Fish in Bogota? I hear good things but a 45 minute car ride in the US is three+ hours here, so if you think it got on a truck in Cartagena, then to Bogota in twelve hours, then in the restaurant, then somehow on your plate in a timely fashion…..go for it- I got no problem drinking your booze while you’re fucking sick and incapacitated.

They also overcook all the proteins. The chicken comes thin as you would get in a sandwich, probably moreso. That’s fine…….great actually- just means it’s not chock full of the chemicals we’re accustomed to eating in the US. But, it also means they fucking murder it. It’s pretty tough to find a juicy chicken breast even from a decent restaurant. Steak? Fuckingforgetaboutit. While it is fresh and can be delicious (home-cooked), medium-well to well is the norm here. If you ask for medium-rare, they will actually second guess you……. then you have to tell them that’s truly what you want, then they’ll look at you like you just put a kitten in a woodchipper, and then……..they’ll fuck it up. Obviously it’s ’cause they so rarely cook it under medium that they’ll underdo it when they have to. Then, you’ll tell them you want it med-rare not still breathing. They’ll give you a look like ‘fucking Gringo, I knew it’, they’ll take it back, overcook it to medium-well, and bring it back to you with an ‘I told-you-so’ expression. Good times.

Posted in: Colombian Food